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April 03 • Self Sorry

Day 634


Feeling sorry for myself used to be one of my favorite ways to isolate. The more I identified the wrongs I had suffered at the hands of other people, the more self-righteously I could wallow in my refusal to strike back. Of course, striking back in passive-aggressive ways was perfectly okay because it was 'their' fault if they couldn't take a joke or otherwise misinterpreted my intentions in avoiding conflict. News Flash: I now believe there are few things I did that had more influence on my acting out than feeling sorry for myself. I used my victim-hood to justify my drinking, my unfaithfulness, my massage parloring, my life in fantasy-land, and anything else I was doing that I shouldn't have been doing. This acknowledgment is really hard for me to admit. For one thing, once I say something like this (or write it) out loud, now I have to do something about it. I need to share it with a fellow in the program; I need to break it down in my Step work; hell, I probably need to do some new amends to deal with the stupid things I did out of some sense of justifiable sexicide. Moments of clarity can be embarrassing and humiliating. I'm learning that they can also be the starting points for growth and healing. Which it will be for me just depends on what I do next.


–JR

 

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