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April 09 • What's My Line?

Day 640

I suspect that the trap of doing what I don't want to do, and not doing what I know I should do, is common to the experience of men and women since the invention of men and women. At what point does the inability to change one's undesirable behavior turn from merely pushing the bounds of acceptability into being engulfed in a disease of addiction? Whether or not there is a scientifically conclusive boundary where that happens remains a curiosity, but I no longer need to know the date and time when I crossed that line. I am done fighting the question. I am committed to recovery and doing everything I can to stay sober, at least for today. For others, that issue may be more relevant, as it was for me in the early months of seeking help. A lot of that quest had more to do with being able to explain myself, or more specifically, to make excuses for myself, than it had to do with getting better. I suppose the pharmaceutical industry and others that stand to make millions on treatment, depending on where that line may fall, also remain interested, but I'm just an addict leaning on other addicts and my family for the support and hope that keeps me headed to the future. I spent way too much time over the years debating the intricacies of Biblical dogma that distracted from God's call to love and grace; I cannot afford to do that with my addict brain and its agenda.




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