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April 11 • Missing the Hood

Day 642

Watching a movie last night, I gained new insights into how much I did not deal with my feelings as a child, as a teenager, nor as an adult. It's strange to 'learn' things like that from a medium that is supposed to be entertainment, an escape from reality, but there it was on my 65 inches of LED glory. This epiphany was underscored by the fact that the material in this movie was available to me as a young person, and it never crossed my mind that any of it applied to me. In fact, I often made fun of the guy that dedicated his life to helping children find healthy ways to face their feelings in healthy ways. It was such a bright light watching this film that I had to ask myself how I could have been a part of the intended audience so many years ago, and yet failed to receive it. Was I blocking it? Well, of course, I was, but did I do it on purpose? Was I more aware of my demons than I remember? That's a scary thought. I wish I knew the answer. But it doesn't matter now. Last night was another moment of tear-cleansing in my mind as much as my heart, or even my soul. I've long maintained that my thought process is the same now as I recall it being when I was five. It has always seemed to me that I saw the world through the same eyes then as I have in all the years since. However, I was strangely aware last night that I was bringing my younger self into my living room, and we were watching that movie together. I know how stupid that sounds — it's hard to write it down — but that's how it felt. Together we looked at some of this crap through different filters. The progress was palpable, but it was progress. There's probably more to come. Thank you, Tom Hanks. Thank you, Mr. Rogers.




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