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April 12 • Defective? Broken.

Day 643

I've always known that I was not perfect, but if I'm telling the truth, I thought I was close. That's what people expected of me, and I was damn well going to do whatever I could to meet those expectations. Unfortunately, those 'whatevers' included lying, isolating, and escaping into sexual fantasies every day. In all of the conflicts I had with my wife for many years, there was rarely a question in my mind about who was right and who was wrong. And to make it even better, I gave myself brownie points for being so good to her that I wouldn't correct her all the time, and I'd gladly put up with her imbalances, especially if it meant not having to deal directly with the conflict. We'd been married about fifteen years the first time she suggested I was hard to live with. I didn't argue with her because I was pretty sure that telling her who the real problem partner was would not go well, and my chances of getting lucky would completely evaporate. We had already been through our first marriage crisis a couple of years before and were quite fortunate to have survived it with our family intact. Steps Five and Six of the program required me to list my defects and to be willing to have them removed by my Higher Power. Even after all my shit for all those years, and then the few years of going off the rails with affairs and everything else, I still thought my biggest defect was not having the courage to stand up to my wife, and to always choose conflict avoidance with every issue. Those things were true, but it was, and continues to be, very humbling to admit to myself, my sponsor, the page in front of me, and to my wife (sort of) how deeply seeded my defects run. It's probably time I revisit that list. I should probably share it totally with my wife (she's been very patient not to insist on seeing my program work). I should probably add a thing or two, as well. I am embarrassed by this journal entry. Ten or twenty years from now, when I re-read some of these writings, I hope I can distinguish the sarcasm from the undefended honesty. Or, maybe I'll grow to where I don't even speak sarcasm anymore. Is sarcasm a defect??




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