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April 22 • More Things to Stop

Day 287


Aside from self-imposed restrictions on language and surface-level image maintenance, I've never had to worry about saying or doing something that would remind me or someone else about some failure that needed to stay buried and unspoken. But now, many times a day, I find myself censoring my words, my humor, my casual interactions. This is not because these things are triggers for me, but because I've forfeited the right to find some things funny. I no longer have the freedom of certain observations. I have now lost any innocence of what my behaviors can trigger in the minds and hearts of others because of their painful knowledge of my horrid behaviors 'back then'. I have to adjust my reactions to life around me. The things that used to be fun are now painful, and the things that I used to do spontaneously must now be guarded out of some combination of respect and sensitivity to others, and the reminders of my guilt.


–JR

 

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