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April 25 • Not in Hot Water Yet

Day 656

Formulas have never held a lot of attraction for me. I prefer to do something in a way that's never been done and take a chance on something great happening, rather than following the instructions and getting almost guaranteed results. That's one reason I'm surprised that I continue to be attracted to a 12 Step program and its time-tested ritualistic guidance to sobriety. The saving grace for me in such an environment must be that everyone has to find their own way in this seemingly step-by-step world. Yes, there are guides and traditions and principals and best practices, but at the end of it all is a program that each individual reaches on their own. While there are a tremendous number of similarities among sex addicts, there are just as many differences in what brings us to the group table, and what leads us from the famine of our compulsions. That individuality is a blessing for me. Even if the program were taught according to a strict set of rules and procedures, I would still follow it because that would always be better than the living death of addiction. That helps me understand why I am attracted the way I am to the Steps; it does not zap the life out of me even as it gives me a shot at a new life. I thought it would be like sludging through a bog that was just marginally better than where I was. It's more like the difference between a swamp and a hot tub with faulty electrical wiring. I was drowning in the swamp surrounded by lots of dangers that could kill me, but at least with the jacuzzi, I can imagine and hope for that day when I get the thing rewired. Yes, it's a reach, but that's okay now and then.




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