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April 27 • Greatness Avoided

Day 292


Most of my life has been lived with the expectation that I was destined for something great. Not so much because I was good enough at anything to make it happen, but more because I wasn't going to be able to get out of the way when whatever came along that was going to make my mark. At the same time, especially as a young adult, I was often jealous when I'd hear some reformed sinner sharing his testimony of a changed life. As the good son and the pedestal-living-man-of-God, I had never had a 'conversion' experience. I felt cheated, both because I didn't have a testimony, and because I didn't have any experiences that would shock good people. I never got to be bad. That all sounds even more stupid in writing than it always did between my ears; that conundrum has lived in my brain for decades. Now, I have the bad behaviors but I can't really share my testimony except with other addicts who aren't impressed. Now I have the experiences of doing things good people don't do, and I can't tell anybody except those who have already done them.


Doing something that I previously would have measured as significant or heroic is off the table, except for those random acts of time and place that can befall anyone. Now, I will be quite content to survive this addiction with a sober life. Having the family I love still being part of that sober life would indeed be a significance of which I can be proud, or at least incredibly thankful for.


–JR

 

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