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August 02 • End of the End

Day 755


Things end. I'm not talking about the existential issues of the universe or even climate change. I'm talking about the things that exist in the relatively small circumference of my life.


Waking up is an end to peaceful dreams, or nightmares. Going to sleep is an end to a productive day, or a day filled with pain. Each end gives way to a new beginning, and each beginning is painted in the hope of new possibilities.


But that wasn't true when I was active in my addiction; at least I do not remember it that way. I thought each act of seeking sexual fulfillment was part of the one before it and the one to come. There was never an end, just a pause here and there while I tried to keep my other world operating. When I thought about things ending, it wasn't the acting out; it was that other life that kept getting in the way of my sexual pursuits. That sounds so desperate, and it was.


I just heard a random song in my playlist about an exciting summer of love between a young man and an older woman, and it triggered memories of a couple of my recurring fantasies from over the years. What struck me most was that even in my fantasies, I did not imagine a start and a stop to those indulgences. I always had a sense that if I could just get lost in the magic of sexual healing once, I would live there happily ever after. In addition to the basic inappropriate behavior, it could not have been a sane thing that I could indulge the ideal of permanent isolation and satisfaction. Even then I knew better than that, but the pull was so strong that I could not let it go. I pursued it mentally for decades, and physically for several years.


Ironically, now I'm told that my addiction will never end. I will never wake up able to trust my good intentions as sufficient defenses against my disease and my weaknesses. So I guess not all things end.


It is a nice revelation that my life in recovery can be lived in the cycle of starts and stops, ends and beginnings. I find this clarity to be filled with opportunities. Even the pain of life can be dealt with in the reality that things end, the bad as well as the good.


Most things, at least.


–JR

 

Morning sun set back to normal

Waiting is always here it never ends

But what are we waiting for

The end is here, another beginning of the end


–혁오, “Hey Sun”

 

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