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August 29 • It's Gone. Wait. There It Is.

Day 416

Eliminating my addiction, finding the cure, is my secret desire. But everyone says it will always be there, and who am I to argue with institutional wisdom.

I would be lying to deny that there is still a draw to my disease, even though I'm not always aware of it. Some days I feel free and can't imagine ever being seduced by that demon again, but then comes the next day.

When I was acting out, the seduction was all that mattered. Sure, I cared about paying bills, being successful, looking good, and being the manifestation of perfection, but that was all secondary to getting my next 'fix.' The real world is more balanced, more demanding, more... real.

It is a pleasure to struggle for health. It was misery to struggle for pleasure.

When the addict calls, it's not temptation that tempts me, it's the lie of the singular focus and the stress reduction through self-medication. Some moments, the allure seems more real than reality, so I must cling to and cherish the knowledge that difficult challenges are more real than singular pleasure, and far less dangerous.



Let's just say it's over

Time to move along

Wait it's Tuesday evening

Our favorite show is on

Go away, stop, turn around, come back

–Steve Martin & The Steep Canyon Rangers, "Go Away, Stop, Turn Around, Come Back"


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