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August 31 • Did it Anyway

Day 418

How many times did I leave the house to do some routine errand or task and ended up acting out in some terrible way? Whether I completed the intended purpose or not, I am still humiliated by each memory.

From sexting to hooking-up to paying for sex; when I was alone I became capable of doing anything that just a few years ago I would have assumed would send me straight to hell. No matter how much I convinced myself that it was worth the judgment and risk, I always knew that what I was doing was reprehensible. I always knew that a dark day of reckoning was coming.

Each time, indeed, each day during that acting-out season, I left behind a bit of my soul. And each next day, I cared a bit less about what would surely be happening to me when I'm found out. I went from trying to delay my destruction for as long as possible, to putting myself in more dangerous situations and taking fewer precautions just to hurry along that coming day of reckoning. But the fear was always treatable by one more time, one more person, one more drink.

Until the next day.



'Cause I'm going straight to hell

Just like my mama said

I'm going straight to hell (oh yeah)

–Darius Rucker, ”Straight to Hell"



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