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December 02 • Serene Siren

Day 511

How do we know the difference between 'serenity' and 'not caring'? I could write all day about the theories and commonalities, but my question is not academic or intellectual.

When I am in the throes of swirling pain and conflict, and then I realize I have found an unusual place of peace, it often feels like what I identify as serenity, but is it?

I do not want to 'not care,' but I want to be at peace with myself and others. I have spent too many years in silent conflict when I tried to make it look like serenity, and it was a big part of me growing further and further toward where my addict wanted me to be.

Through recovery, I have learned that if I don't care, I tend to avoid conflict at all costs. That's also true of times when all I cared about was my next 'score'; never put that at risk! Despite the pain of working through recovery issues, it is nothing compared to the suffering of acting serene when I was not.

Perhaps it is my shame that makes me wonder whether my peace is real or fake. Everyone knows by now that I do not deserve anything good, so maybe it's just my way of sabotaging my progress. Perhaps it's my addict wanting to find another foothold to get back in.

Maybe it is what it appears, and I'm learning to accept the peace that passes understanding.

God, grant me the serenity...



I need serenity

In a place where I can hide

I need serenity

Nothing changes, days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know

And how do we relight the flame when it's cold

–Godsmack, ”Serenity"



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