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December 04 • Hard to Let Go

Day 513


My counselor chastises me, my wife gets a little upset with me, and the program tells me it will not always be like this, but I have a hard time not being hard on myself all the time.


One reason I can be at peace when things go wrong is that I do not readily accept that I deserve anything better. I've certainly earned the consequences of what I've done. I am not making a case for putting myself down. I'm saying that just because a trusted therapist or loving wife or wise fellows tell me I shouldn't think that way, it does not make it go away.


To exacerbate that, the personality qualities that I generally was pleased to claim over the years turn out to be many of the same things I used in my addictive behaviors, or at least were born from the same places in my addictive brain. These things I've valued include my sense of humor, my intelligence, and my ability to bring peace into challenging situations — all traits that have played substantial roles in my sexual seductions and fantasies.


So I'm starting over a bit. I get the reasoning of not holding such things against myself, but I have not yet found the release from the guilt they fed. I believe clarity is out there, but I have to keep going today, leaning into the belief instead of the reality.


–JR

 

Easy to be hard

Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings

How can they ignore their friends

Easy to be proud


–Three Dog Night, ”Easy to Be Hard"

 

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