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December 06 • A Most Unexpected Issue

Day 515

There seems to be nothing unique in my acting-out. On the other hand, recovery appears to vary significantly among 12 Steppers as each program evolves to meet the specific needs combination of each person. At least, that is how it comes across to me, especially relative to the issue of on-going sexuality.

I'm probably not unique in this area, either, but I don't hear others openly talking about this part of recovery as easily as they talk about that from which they've recovered.

My sexuality seems to have vanished on a train of runaway hormones. This malady has been one of the most challenging parts of recovery for my wife as my libido is near zero, and her's has escalated, probably as a response to needing to know I need her. After more than a year, we've chosen to observe a period of abstinence to see if my interest returns in the context of less pressure.

But now the pressure is, what happens if it does not return? Frankly, I am shocked at how little I think about sex and how little those thoughts stir me. This passiveness is the polar opposite of my life experience.

Sometimes I fear I have wrecked that part of my life so completely that it will never come back. But the program says it will, and it has not lied to me yet. So today, I will continue to focus on sobriety.

Tomorrow will be what my Higher Power allows, and I am preparing as much as I can to live a healthy response.



Where did it go?

How do we get back to that other place?

There's got to be a way

How do we undo a thousand mistakes?

–Burt Bacharach, ”Where Did It Go?"



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