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December 23 • Decisional Truth

Day 167

Throughout my addictive acting-out, and now in my recovery, I have made myself vulnerable, but not always in healthy ways. When I was grooming and seducing, the appearance of vulnerability was a tool to an end. But it also gave strangers the power to truly hurt me, even to destroy my career and family. I don't think that's vulnerability — it's more like insanity.

In recovery, the vulnerability that seems most valuable comes from candor and more honesty than I've ever considered useful. When I am using honesty to win a moment, whether with my counselor or my wife, I can feel the difference between that and when I'm just telling the truth because it's the truth.

Being honest comes with a price just like being dishonest. Well, not just like, but neither tends to work out in the long-run for me when I'm using either to manipulate someone, no matter how true it might be.

This is confusing to me, and I think I'm glad about that. I want to find that level of honesty that just happens; I'm so tired of having to decide whether to be truthful or to say what is necessary to prevail.



What's such a noble cause

To lose what is yours?

You gotta keep on fighting stronger

Lightning prevails

Lightning prevails

–Arno Carstens, "Lightning Prevails"


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