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February 02 • Just Say 'No' – or 'Yes'

Day 573

Saying yes is easy. Saying yes pleases people and helps my image. Saying no is hard.

As a recovering sex addict, saying no to my wife — who has supported me and prayed for me — is almost impossible. What right do I have to deny her anything? After the things I've done and the betrayals I have rained upon her, what right do I have to stand on my desires or my values?

There are all kinds of reasons why thinking like that is destructive, not to mention stupid. What I'm wrestling with today gets back to my nemesis, rigorous honesty. What right do I have to ever fib to my wife?

Haven't all the little white lies — not to mention the big fucking deceits — been for her own good? Am I not protecting her from more truths so she won't have more hurts, or shading her from an honest opinion about a stupid dress, so she'll be happier? What do you think? Seriously, who am I really protecting with my lies, my yeses, my hiding from my own values (as violated as they are at my own hand)?

I am struggling with the power of saying no in the course of honest communications about what I want, what I believe in, and what I owe to my partner in life.




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