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February 15 • I Don't Deserve This

Day 221

It saddens me to realize how much of my life has been wasted. Ironically, my dreams seem to default to some idea that I have been far more fortunate than I deserve, so how dare I think about having more. Surely this has eaten at my ability and even desire to plan for better things like retirement and special occasions.

I would have missed so much more if it wasn't for my wife that lives life to the fullest and has carried me along. At least she used to. I fear I have killed that part of her. Just as I'm beginning to think it's okay to want more than I have, to accept good things and not just settle for the scraps, she is looking around at this nuclear devastation and asking whether the effort is worth it. She's never done that before. This damage is my doing. Except it isn't. We both have healing to do and can help each other, as long as we're helping ourselves in ways that we never have. I think we both want to learn that, but it's hard to get past the old habits and interactions. And the pain and betrayal. But we will. We both believe it.




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