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February 22 • Speed Controlled?

Day 228

I've been thinking about what I wrote back on Feb 19 about slowing down. I want to try to build on that, or at least clarify my thoughts with what I hope is a better, healthier description of what is happening.

Maybe it's not so much that I'm 'slowing down.' Perhaps it is more about a recognition that so much of my life is now out of my control.

I am not in control of my wife's ultimate decisions to stay or go, keeping my job or not is in the hands of others, and the potential unknown consequences that may be waiting for me are all uncertainties. All these things are outside of my ability to determine my fate.

Yes, I can love my wife, but I can't make her erase her internal thoughts and visions. Yes, I can work hard at my job, but I'd be stupid not to admit that my acting out has harmed my professional prospects. And there is absolutely nothing I can do to protect my family from the lashing out of someone I've hurt during my acting out or even potential (and unknown) legal issues that may be fermenting in some District Attorney's project file.

So, I am focused on being the best person in the moment that I can be, and so far, I pretty much suck at it. Thanks to those around me willing to speak directly, I'm way better than I was, and maybe way better than I've ever been. But the bus ride ahead is still of indeterminate length, with plenty of time to look out the window and just be. And pray. And release.




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