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January 04 • Free Falling

Day 179

Being above average, ahead of the curve, better than others, has always been my persona. I believed it to be true even as I struggled with the knowledge of my inner failings and the horrible certainty that I would be discovered as a fraud. And that was before I was 'acting-out.' I found comfort as I spiraled out of control. It was not because the acts I was committing were pleasing me, but I was now free of the fear of falling. I was in free-fall, and the anticipation of hitting bottom seemed a reasonable price to pay. But even the bottom eluded me for so long.

My bottom may have been the realization that I was not unique in a 12 Step program. I had no more control over my addiction than any of the guys in the meetings that were there under legal requirements or the ones smelling of dirty clothes or the ones who couldn't speak in complete sentences. I was just another face in a room where faces didn't matter. It took me a while to see the flip side; neither was I any worse than anyone else. Sure, I had done worse things than some others, but so much of that is circumstantial and dumb luck. I was—I am—just another addict trying to be the best person I can be, but only in relation to my potential; I am learning to no longer compete with others, or with my persona. This ah-ha is a powerful realization for me, and one I am admittedly tempted against too often. It is part of my defects, and I can only prevail against it today. That will be enough.




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