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January 03 • What is the Pain?

Day 543

I hear a lot of talk about how our addiction feeds our "pain," but there is not a lot of definition offered as to what that pain is. I know it is there in me, but I do not know its cause, what fed it, or even how it manifests itself. I suppose if I understood those things, it would have been a lot easier to tackle with clarity. It is real, so very real, and equally baffling and insidious in the way it seems to work hand-in-glove with my addiction.

There is a difference between the correlation I see between all the factors in my acting-out and any quantifiable cause-and-effect; logic flies out the door, and the contradictions complicate understanding. But here I am, here we are, and I am growing in faith as I see this process that I do not understand, saving myself and others against the demons I don't understand. Serenity is real; I seek it even as I embrace it.




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