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January 08 • Circuitous Circles

Day 548

It has been a year since I first completed my circles. This week I am marking 18 months sober. Like I did when I received my 12-month coin, I am again questioning whether I have the right things in the right circles.

My inner circle now consists of any sort of sexual activity that occurs outside the scope of my marriage. In that context, I am certainly as sober as advertised. However, I lied again last week, I allowed myself to linger on a fantasy longer than I wanted, and I still lean into isolation where I can avoid nearly all sorts of discomfort. It is still hard to admit these things to myself, much less to anyone else, whether that's my sponsor or my wife.

It is in isolation that I end up wallowing in my discomforts, but that's just part of the lying, I suspect. So when the guy next to me picks up his 30-day coin — again — while I'm getting the applause of an 18-month sobriety, which of us is being more honest? Which one has been sober the longest?

The truth, so I'm told, is that it's not a question of comparison. We each have our battles and our measurements of sobriety. Perfection would be to have all my defects in my inner circle and still be sober. I don't think that is reasonable, so at least until I understand this recovery thing a bit more, I will be content with being sober from breaking my vows, while continuing to work on my defects, and releasing them to my Higher Power.




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