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January 09 • On the Ledge, or the Mend?

Day 549

Who am I right now? Am I the addict perpetually on the precipice, or am I the guy in recovery that has chosen life over death and truth over lies, if imperfectly.

It seems the answer includes elements of both, but when I am still — when I am quiet and trying to hear the small voice of God — I tend to worry more about who I am supposed to be instead of who I am, whoever that is. There is a vulnerability in not knowing.

Another word for that lack of knowledge is fear. And in those moments when I am not in some swamp of anxiety over those questions and answers, I can even worry that I'm not worrying.

There is a contradiction in recovery that baffles me nearly as much as the strange paths my addict has used against me. The road I am on is not clear or easy, and yet it is precisely both of those things.




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