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January 11 • How Much Longer?

Day 551


Sometimes I think I must be a ticking time-bomb just a few slips away from losing my sobriety because that's what addicts do. Even my daughter, when I disclosed my acting-out and on-going issues with her, warned me against using the 'addict' word because she's dealt with such matters in her work and understands the seriousness of that label.


While I readily acknowledge the dangerous temptations and opportunities that are just a conversation or computer click away, I will also accept that my sobriety is real. Failure is neither required nor imminent. My reality is that I have failed many, many times. The lies and embraced fantasies of my life before acting out are all victories for my addict. Since I started going to massage parlors and engaging others in my bad behaviors, my failures just became more dangerous and costly.


It took me more than six months of attending 12 Step meetings before I made any commitment to stop and to live. Even then, there were hours and hours spent in bars, drinking and driving, and pursuing other sexual encounters.


I am still barely eighteen months sober, but I am so haunted by all my failures that my Addict keeps pointing to them as opportunities waiting to be repeated. That notwithstanding, I believe today that I am going to be sober for the rest of my life.


Is that stupid?


If I stop working the program because of that belief, if I don't do something today to tell my addict to 'go to hell,' then yes, it is stupid. I don't know what I will feel about lifelong sobriety tomorrow, but I will not allow those chuck-holes on my road to recovery to give me an excuse to fail today.


–JR

 

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