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January 19 • My Fear of Fear

Day 194


Just as I've discovered and come to terms with the chasm between my image of honesty and my life of lies, I've found another canyon between my persona of courage and my fear factory; they are directly related. My fear of being discovered, my fear of not being discovered, my fear of creating conflict, my fear of being alone... these have all been at the heart of my lies, and ultimately my acting out.


Even now, as I am confident of my ability not to act out sexually, the fear of things I cannot control, and things that I can control going wrong, grips me in ways I've not yet learned to embrace, or release.


My fear of consequences has made me a liar. My fears have ruled my life.


I am so weary of being afraid, and if the only way to beat that is to release it through abandonment to God, then I've got further to go than I thought.


–JR

 

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