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January 21 • Looking Up

Day 196

Most days, for the past couple of months, it feels like I am so over my addiction and obsessions. Then there are those moments when I realize I'm struggling with memories or shame or both. Then there are the days when I wonder whether my recovery is just an addictive replacement.

I suppose too much recovery is way better than even a little addictive behavior, but there's part of me that is still trying to understand why I cannot do this myself.

• Why do I need 12 Step meetings or all those guys with first names and last initials?

• Why do I put up with the liturgy of the meeting scripts?

• Why do I read and write things like this?

I don't know what the perfect answer is, but my answer — today — to these questions is that I want to live. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop lying, especially for no reason. And those are all good reasons to continue along the best path I've found so far.

If there's a better way, I don't know about it, and right now, I'm good with this. Better than good.





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