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January 22 • Same Coin, Two Sides

Day 197


Call me old fashioned, but I was raised to respect women, and to put the woman I love on a pedestal. I always thought I was pretty good at that. Now I think that became more of my persona, the person I wanted to be. It does not make sense that I can genuinely respect women while engaging in the thoughts about them in which I've willingly wallowed. How do I explain putting my wife on a pedestal while allowing the trail of fantasies about other women to push me away from her?


This behavior does not exist in the ethical, loving, respectable man that I'm supposed to be. Yet, given my history, what is an alternative conclusion? Am I merely a carefully crafted "image" of a loving and respectable man that has gotten good at lying and cheating to hide his use of women for his selfish search for today's pleasure or filling some undefined vacuum in his heart?


These are not opposites or alternatives; they are merely different descriptions of the same man; one is on the path to an honest assessment, the other on the path of a hellish self-destruction.


Who will win? Who has a future that is worth winning?


–JR

 

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