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January 24 • Still Alive. Surprise!

Day 199

I cannot count the number of times that I made a decision to give in to the obsessions — my addiction — in the hopes that something terrible would happen to either get me discovered or destroyed. It wasn't that I wanted the life I was living, but I wanted the conflict in my soul to stop, and giving in to it seemed the only way out.

That thinking dismays me today; I remember talking with myself about it, but I think I've forgotten the actual feelings that were my constant companion.

Even in my darkest moments when I would consider the most horrid of options to stop myself, immersing into the addictive life without guard or care seemed the best way to get to that point of ending me. To become so vile was a legit consideration to push me past my lack of courage to "pull the trigger," literally and figuratively.

More than once, I have been surprised to wake up and realize that I had survived another plunge into that icy abyss of self-loathing and weakness.




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