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January 30 • Matter of Time

Day 205


I wish I had a better understanding of the how and when of my addiction. To identify the beginning as that day of my first overt acting out behavior indicates a snapping of some sort, or maybe it was a decision to throw away everything I've ever believed about right and wrong.


To say my acting IN since I was a kid was the first step, and the waters of fantasies slowly flowed along until they cascaded into my real world is to color my whole life with guilt and confusion; I can't find a time that says

"it started here."

I see no good choices among those options. I would settle for what is true if that can be known.


–JR

 

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