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January 31 • Maybe I'm Just a Little Addicted

Day 206


Am I to blame for my actions? Is this an actual disease?


I still wrestle with the gray area between believing that there is such a thing as sexual addiction and actually believing that I have it. I do think it is real (mostly) and that I'm recovering from it, but to say that I'm not to blame for what I've done is more responsibility-shedding than I've been able to embrace. Can I act like an addict (unknowingly without intent) and not really be one?


I remember the compulsiveness and being out of control, and I need no excuses that would allow that back into my life; removing my shame and blame seems to open those doors.


In the context of long-term survivors — and the guidance of the Green Book — this might well be an indication of my lack of 'getting it.' Maybe it's about my need to be in control of some part of my release; there are certainly plenty of other indicators that I'm still trying to spin this thing, and none of that has gone well so far.


So, I'm listening with my heart and with my brain. I am trying to make sense of the conflictions that keep me from acknowledging to myself that I was — that I am — a full-tilt addict. I don't know whether I'm trying to get to that point of acceptance, or just dancing with the idea to my benefit until I can stand up and claim something different. The problem is, I don't see an alternative explanation to the disease declaration that allows me to live.


I do want to live. Now.


–JR

 

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