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January 06 • Childish questions?

Day 181

In therapy and meetings, the impact of neglect and abuse and who-knows-what-all from our childhood is a prevalent topic. I come from a background that is more likely to say "get over it" than "tell me about your victim-hood." Besides, like I told my counselor in my first session, "...my childhood was idyllic. Nobody did nothing to me, so let's move on."

I believed that, but it turns out not to be true.

I have heard some horrific stories about how people were treated as children, and the direct connections they can make to their addictions are sometimes stunning. Yet, there is still nothing we can do about the past. I'm slowly learning that I'm not being told to change the past, but denying how the past will speak into my future, is just as futile.

So, where do I start?

This is my question. I remember enough about things that were done — to me and by me — to understand I have forgotten much. Neither do I remember a lot of the fear and shame. Yet the clinical manifestations of my thoughts and behaviors persist. Connecting the dots has been painful, and I still think that some of it has been a stretch. But some of those dots come with such realization that they are undeniably impacting my life, if not my addiction.




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