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January 09 • Just Let It

Day 184

6 months or 60


The process of the 12 Steps will lead to recovery IF we let it. Or so I'm told. It doesn't sound easy. If it weren't for the smiles and encouragements I receive in meetings full of people calling themselves sex-addicts, I would have given up a long time ago. Nearly a year after starting to attend meetings, and six months since my last acting-out, I still feel stuck. I'm not stuck, but I feel like it. I am recovering, but I want it faster and on my terms. I'm having trouble letting it go every day. Every damn day.

I do not know whether I have the capacity to let it. I am not acting out, but I am incredibly wrapped in guilt and pressure to atone and change. It is difficult to imagine being free of those sensations and free to allow a new me to emerge; a me that lives in joy and generosity of spirit and free of resentment—and living in undefended honesty—seems a long way away.




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