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January 05 • Taking Care of Me. Honestly.

Day 545

Taking care of myself — in healthy ways — has never been at the top of my to-do lists; I didn't think I needed it and would not have known how to do it anyway. I am still not all that good at it, but I see it as a priority, and I am learning tips and techniques through the program, counseling, and paying attention.

Honestly, the biggest self-care habit I'm working on is honesty. That's the biggest no-brainer I've ever encountered, but it is nonetheless frighteningly hard to require it of myself without exception. I see the walls built in my relationships by secrets big and small, and I am learning how destructive and hurtful those lies of omission and commission have been.

Lying has been a form of isolation for me, where all my sins seem to gather. Anything to get me out of a moment of discomfort has been worth the seemingly small price I paid in avoiding reality. I never realized that each of my deposits in the bank of untruth had a compounding interest for which I would pay a much higher price once my capacity for pain was exhausted. I now have the blessed opportunity to get better while also dealing with the consequences of my ignorance and my arrogance.

This battle can be fought with serenity, courage, and wisdom, but will only be won through that Higher Power.




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