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July 04 • Sweet Dreams

Day 360

All my life, I have believed — almost assumed — that I was going to be “somebody”. Even as I was living this lofty expectant life in my head, in conflict with my reality, I believed that something — God — would create a breakthrough moment that would give me significance, if not a legacy.

Almost as soon as I began acting out, I let go of that expectation; I was proving to the universe that I was neither worthy nor capable of such trust and accomplishment. I certainly proved it to myself.

There is also a contradiction in my life that I have never been a dreamer. I’ve not set many goals and have certainly not lived my life in a disciplined fashion that goal-setting requires. I just thought if I was good enough, worked enough, and were clever enough, I would make a difference. Now, I believe the most significant thing that awaits the rest of my life is sobriety.

If I can save my marriage and love my wife with integrity, passion, and care, I will have contentment. If I can help a few people get through their brokenness or addictions the way a few people have helped me, I will have accomplished more and received blessings far beyond anything I deserve.

That’s a pretty lofty dream.



But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

–Fantine, ”Les Miserables"



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