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July 05 • Incendiary Insight

Day 727


Last night, while we were sitting on the porch listening to fireworks all around our suburban home, my wife asked me about my upcoming 2nd sobriety birthday. I told her it was July 9. In the spirit of the celebratory noise and exploding light in the night, I was expecting some sort of shallow pat on the back for the progress and sober months, because this is all about me. But it was the soberness in her voice that reminded me of this difficult journey, and that I'm not the only one fighting the battles of my sexual addiction.

"After you did your disclosure to me, I didn't think you'd make it two years; I was sure I would have to make more difficult decisions about our marriage long before now, and I was prepared to do that."

I did not see that coming. Of course, my first reaction was a trip back down Shame Lane. Stopping myself from taking another step in that direction, I asked her if she was disappointed that she did not have to make those harder decisions. A flash in the sky reflected off the tears in her eyes and revealed a smile on her lips.

"I'm so thankful I was wrong and that we're both still here. I'm so proud of you!"

There it was, the pat on the back, but there was nothing shallow about it. It was a profound reminder of how far I've come, how close I came to losing her, and how much I want to continue progressing away from anything that could pull me back into the darkness of the life I was living.


It is so easy for me to get self-centered about my recovery. If I slip away again, nothing else will matter, so the only thing that matters is my recovery. Right? There is just enough truth in that to be dangerous. Mostly, I think that's another misdirection by my addict brain, encouraging me to embrace isolation and protect others I love from the pain of having to be involved.


I will accept strength and wisdom for this road from any appropriate sources, and I am a blessed man and husband to have the opportunity to learn more every day about the woman with whom I have spent most of my life. How did I miss this before?


Oh yeah... I'm a sex addict. Sorry, Babes. I am grateful for your perseverance and forgiveness.


–JR

 

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