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July 06 • Hard Humility

Day 728


This humility crap is tough. I've always thought that I was a relatively humble person, especially compared to all the arrogant SOBs that I knew. And considering my accomplishments and successful image, being humble was no small thing.


But in the face of what I knew about my sexual thoughts and behaviors, humility was easy. I had to look up to see the crust of the humble pie.


It seems like I've had experience with too much humility and too much false humility; I should be able to land somewhere in the middle of that to reach a healthy level for my recovery.


To be clear, I am NOT cocky about my recovery, but I still want to be in the room where it happens, and I want to appear to be the smartest person in that room. I've often demonstrated humility and wisdom at the same time by holding my tongue until the voice of a sage was needed to get everyone off the walls.


I remember my father coming home from meetings and talking about the strong, silent farmer-type who would not say a contributing word until the end of an argument, and would wrap it all up with a ton of common sense in a couple of sentences. Everyone would ooh and ahh at his wisdom and humble approach, including Dad. So that's what I needed to be, and I worked hard at it.


Now I need to find honest humility.


What a silly sentence that is. If I find what I'm looking for, I'll be proud as a peacock, and I'm pretty sure I'd find a way to rise in the ranks of perceived leadership on the back of that humility.


I have written before that I have some sort of a divinity complex, or maybe a deep-seated idea that God likes me and wants to use me for something special. Denying that in the interest of being humble doesn't help me, and for all I know, it might even be valid. I think the difference is that now I have to let go of that as any part of a strategery for my life. I believe in the strength and graciousness of my Higher Power, but I am learning that it is not my job to promote myself, neither for His purpose nor for my own ego.


Whether my failures will preclude God from using me is no longer my problem, and probably never was. I cannot change what I've done, and I no longer want to be God's representative in places He doesn't care about. If there's something I can do to contribute to the great schemes of things, I'm sure He can use me whether I'm cooperating or not.


Here's a new thought that I'll need to ponder: I've been a God-user more than a used-by-God. Maybe my recognizing that will allow me to better enjoy how God uses me, but I doubt it changes much else. God has proven time and again how He can use our failures for good. But maybe the ride would be more enjoyable if I were a little less like Jonah and a little more like... like the person God created me to be.


–JR

 

To know me is to love me

I must be a hell of a man

Oh Lord It's hard to be humble,

But I'm doing the best that I can


–Mac Davis, “It's Hard To Be Humble”

 

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