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July 12 • Protector of Nada

Day 734

Taking responsibility for myself is difficult for me, even though I've always been a 'stand-up guy' that was willing to face the music — as soon as I was sure I was about to be caught.

Going to SAA meetings before I knew what a sex addict was... Going to counseling with no intention of changing my base behaviors... Disclosing my addiction to my wife when she had no hint of any of it... These milestones may be the first examples in my life when I screamed that I was a fuck-up and was volunteering to face the consequences. Prior to that, I spent a lifetime developing skills to keep my mistakes in the shadows with that other part of me that no one knew.

Even now, the circle of people that know what I've done is small. Outside of the recovery community, I'm still spending a lot of time 'protecting' extended friends from having to deal with their personal reactions to learning about the devil or the disease that has been such a part of my life for so long. I even tell myself that I'm shielding these former employers, co-workers, and causes that I fought for over the years. I tell myself that I'm doing them a favor because this knowledge would cast completely unwarranted suspicion on events and people due only to their proximity to a bonafide adulterous pervert. Maybe those risks are real, but maybe this is still just me protecting what is left of my image; I really don't know which is the primary truth.

I don't know how to finish this journal entry. Sometimes it's enough to write things down as a statement of what my mind and soul are arguing about.

As humiliating as it is to think about letting the world in on my secrets, there's also a part of me that wouldn't mind all the attention that doing so could bring to me and my crusade to redeem my life and save other slobs. It's always been about me, so why should that be different. What that would mean to everyone else's stories is their problem. Right?

I don't think so.

There are too many pieces of this for me to sort out right now, so for today, I'll be content to admit this struggle to myself in its current or updated state of evolution.




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