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July 16 • Easy Peezy

Day 372

There were several occasions during my acting-out that I felt as if I were standing in the corner watching me destroy myself. It was very conscious, very real, and even contributed to my sense that I was losing my mind. I'm not talking about just watching behaviors; I remember watching myself think, and marveling at how I could be doing and contemplating such things.

One such clear memory is from the first time I willingly allowed someone to cross a line with my body, a line from which I pretty much knew there was no undoing, no going back to a time when that had never happened. After a lifetime of saying 'no' to such things externally — while living enthusiastically in that world in my fantasies — I recall just shaking my imaginary head and thinking,

"...well, that was easy."

The next step was even easier, and the one after that was part of my new rationalization as to why I was now living out my 'true' self. That lasted a few days and then began the long road back.

Even through acceleration, I was attending SAA meetings and looking for help. Even as I was expanding my activities, I knew it couldn't last, and that I did not want it to last. I wanted nothing more than to bring an end to the pain that this pain-relief was causing.

I watched myself dying with a despairing recognition that there may be no way back. It's curious to me that I still remember these hopeless depressions more clearly than I can recall the thoughts that helped me take the steps toward recovery. It's as if my whole self was rooting for my destruction, but this little hang-nail of morality or conscience or spirituality kept plugging away at bringing me back. I do not know how I survived that imbalance between Good and Evil, or sober and addicted. But I will be thankful today that remnants of good can save us from hordes of awful. I also know that the hordes are still at the gate, and I will be diligent.

I will not give in. Not today!




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