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July 17 • Not a Ho Ho Ho Power

Day 373


I never felt abandoned by God during all my acting out, an observation that has caused considerable contemplation as to why I did not; no answers are certain. My wife once asked me if I thought I was God. I had no thoughts of that nature, but I certainly acted like there was no accountability.


I went along as if my only source of comfort was doing things I'd never done before, while also doing all the things I'd always done — good and bad — in an effort to make sense of anything and to bring comfort to my increasing sense of being more lost than I ever imagined possible. The harder I sought solace in my sexually addictive insanity, the further away I got from anything comfortable.


I sometimes do that to God; the more intensely I seek Him and the more forcefully I try to find Him where I think He should be, the further I push Him away. Maybe I'm pushing away at my concepts of what He should be and what He should do for me.


Our Higher Power is always there, whether we understand it or not. Releasing our spirit to the possibility of that Power being something very different than the Santa Clause or Merlin or Judge Wapner characters of our former days is a huge step. Let's work our day-to-day programs, eschewing our failed powers and allowing for the possibility that there is a Power that will find us and walk with us through this valley of death.


I will not give in. Not today!


–JR

 

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