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July 30 • Joyless

Day 386

The "joyless" nature of my addiction is still hard to comprehend. I told myself that I was doing what I wanted and that it would make me happy, but every night and every morning, I would note my joylessness and say a little prayer about doing what it takes to be a little less joyless.

Then I would begin again those behaviors designed by evil itself to steal joy and prevent happiness. I catch myself realizing that the only time I'm not in some mode of joy is when I'm reminded by memory or circumstance as to where I was and what I was doing. There is no sadness in not going back to those behaviors, only grief at what I've done, and shame at what I've caused. Or is that the other way around?




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