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June 04 • Am I or Was I That Guy?

Day 330

Words do not come easy when I think about my affections being rejected or misinterpreted over the years.

It has been easy for me to say,

"Yes, that's it...that's why I'm so messed up!"

I feel shame that this could be part of my struggles. It is hard for me to admit — even now, after having admitted it a few times already — that I have misbehaved so badly when my needs/requests/initiations/hopes for healthy sex were unsuccessful.

I don't want to be that guy, but when I realize that my obsession for that physical affirmation has trumped my definition of love, so much of this makes sense.

But it's a circular problem; which came first, the rejections or my persona that made my lover feel used and objectified? I don't know, and I don't know that it matters any longer. Breaking the cycle is what matters.

There is still so much that I don't know, everyday stuff of life that confuses me more than ever, but I am learning. Shway, shway. One day at a time. One moment at a time.




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