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June 05 • Ready or Not...

Day 697

Am I ready to move on?

I made a phone call today. I didn't want to, but I was headed in a not good direction between my ears, and people say that the calls are important in times like this. I know they are important for other people to call me when they are struggling, but I don't particularly like calling guys and telling them my dirty little secrets. But I made the call.

I've been out of work for several weeks. It really has not sucked, not going to work. My brain has taken advantage of the downtime. During the course of our conversation, I'm telling Chris C. about how my wife has applied for a couple of jobs on my behalf. I don't mind that, except the jobs she thinks I can do are precisely the jobs I am well suited for, meaning the same kind of work that gave me the opportunities to act out sexually under cover of unsupervised self-scheduling. The concern that I expressed was that I would get all excited about a new opportunity, and then she won't be ready for me to be back in the workforce where I'll have to deal with temptations and being unsupervised by her.

Chris called 'bullshit' on me and told me to stop trying to 1) protect my wife from what may or may not happen, and 2) stop trying to fix her or us when I can't even fix myself on my own.

Then he used that word, "surrender," and encouraged me to release the fears and also the inappropriate excitements at the thought of being back in the workforce. And then he kicked me where it hurts by suggesting my wife is not the one that's not ready for me to face the real world.

I am disappointed in myself that I am struggling with this after I thought I was doing so well. I am embarrassed that I can't make my brain do what I want it to do and not do what I don't want it to do. Worst of all, I am in pain for reasons I do not entirely understand, but ones that do make sense, and I keep doing everything I can to deny it. I tried to explain that to Chris in a way that would sound like I had a handle on it; that didn't go so well.

His comforting words were something like, "Sometimes it just sucks to be an addict, doesn't it!"

Thanks, Chris.




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