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June 05 • Who Are We?

Day 331


Going on when someone has walked away must be a horrible experience, made only worse by the ongoing shooting of venom at each other to salve the pain caused by the process of separation and divisions of more than just property. I am fortunate that I cannot speak to that in the first person, at least not yet.


On the other hand, going on when someone has strayed and stayed — whether it’s you or yours — is similar in that the pain is enormous and venom inevitably is spewed. But then you try to figure out the skill set required for being sorry and showing it, for forgiving and showing it, for re-growing or re-finding love, and showing it.


The skill list is long and difficult, and it does not lessen with a judge’s decree or the finding of a new love, or even giving in to the addiction. It’s been 283 days since I crushed my wife’s spirit with my first disclosure to her, and we’re still collecting those skills and chasing the implementation tools that will ease our pains and contribute to our going the distance. The key here is not that we haven’t figured it all out, but rather that we ARE still looking for those things that will help us heal and help us get to the life we want, even as we struggle with my disease(s) and our fears of relapse.


We both believe we will make it, but I don’t know where the line is that defines success, or whether such a line exists. I think the closest thing to that point in time is likely ‘until death does us part’. If we don’t make it, we have learned and experienced much in this process. We know more about ourselves and about who the other person is — about dreams, strengths, and desires for doing the right thing in the face of so many wrongs.


We are learning all those things on the road to making it, too. Nice.


–JR

 

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