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June 07 • 1st Amendment Writes

Day 699


As I re-evaluate some of my recovery work during my first 12-Step program, it's embarrassing to claim that I have completed the Steps and am therefore qualified to be a good sex addict in recovery, instead of a struggling sex addict in recovery. The whole notion of what I just said is full of BS and misdirection, but the only part I want to write about today is the part about which I'm embarrassed.


Some glaring tasks are missing from my Steps. Some were because I didn't understand what I was doing, some were because I was on vacation the day they taught 'defects' in the workshop, and on Step 8 I thought they said "...persons I had armed..." and I've never given a gun to anybody, so I skipped that one.


Okay, a poorly chosen humorous (or not) deflection on the last one, which happens to be closer to the truth than I'd like to admit, but I must admit it. I've written some amends I could not give, I've given a couple of amends to people who received them well, and I was not allowed to give one of my amends because my former best friend declined to listen to it. I think he thought that his was an act of grace toward me, but it didn't feel like that to me. Oh yeah, and then there's the amend to my wife that never happened. I've been writing that one since I attended my first 12 Step meeting some twenty-eight months ago, but when it became time to deliver it, it never happened.


My wife brought this to my attention recently, long after I'd hoped she'd forgotten about it. She seems legitimately more concerned about the reasons and potential impact on my recovery than she is upset about not getting her party favors. I got defensive when she brought it up, which is generally a good sign that I'm lying, to myself if not to everyone else.


I do not know why I didn't give that amend, nor why I got defensive about it, but I have learned that there are not many such actions and reactions that are unrelated. I need to work on this, and I will. I'm not afraid of doing this, other than figuring out why I can work so hard on so much of my daily program and yet leave out something so significant.


I'll get back to you on that.


–JR

 

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