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June 09 • Not Happy Being Happy

Day 701

The truth is, I get tired of talking about 'honesty' in recovery. I weary at the thought of another clunky online meeting because I can't go to an in-person meeting. I often think about the time that I will no longer need to interact with my fellows. I do not like the anonymity of the program, the humility, or the way it makes me feel like I'm just a sex addict.

Did I just lose my recovery membership card?

That is all true, but so is this: I know what my life became when I embraced conscious dishonesty to protect my habit. It does take a lot of energy and introspection to turn the desire to be honest into actually telling the truth. It is an energy that I must find, and I am grateful for the opportunity to seek it.

The online meetings are not as meaningful as the in-person kind, but they are a gift from God for those of us that need to stay in touch remotely, and those of us that live in rural communities that may not have a live meeting for hundreds of miles around them.

Would I like myself a little better, and get a few more things done around the house if I wasn't spending 3-4 hours a week in meetings of various kinds? Damn straight... for a few days, at least, maybe a few weeks. The evidence is more substantial than I ever imagined that breaking those relationships is a near-certain step toward some form of relapse, and too often, it is a dive back into depravity. I am thankful to the people that continue to invest in the meetings, and in me.

How can I once again be the star in the room if I can't even say my last name out loud? Posting first-person articles and writing books about sexual addiction is an honor reserved for the very few, and most of them have paid a hefty price in public rock bottoms for the right to write. I appreciate every day that my anonymity allows me the freedom to work on my recovery.

I always thought I was a humble guy, especially for someone with so much to be arrogant about. In recovery, I'm learning a lot about the differences between humility and self-hatred. I sort of like the idea that any humility I'm able to breathe will be well-earned.

And did I mention that I'm a sex addict? Whether I want to be or not has no bearing on the truth of whether I am one. I am thankful for that clarification.

Now, if I can find a way to enjoy this journey... For today, it is enough that I can be thankful for it.




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