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June 12 • Banking Change

Day 338

It is tempting in a journal setting to write as though some great mystery has been uncovered that paves the way for moving forward or even solving problems. I want to tout the virtues of change and the benefits of surging into an unknown that has to be better than this, but I'm not feeling it today.

Sometimes we make changes that have specific plans and goals and measurables. Whether or not things go as anticipated, we feel good about the path to better, partly because we believe there is at least a little control in the strategies. In my recovery, it feels more like I stood up and shouted, "I want to change," and then threw myself on the mercy of the universe.

Yes, there are strategies involved in chasing healing — counseling, talking, writing, breathing, and the twelve steps — but a lot of what I'm doing is very uncomfortable. Breakthroughs bring up more crap as often as they clear the air. This recovery is a belief system.

I know I was headed for destruction. I met others that had been where I was, and they encouraged me to understand I was not unique. I saw myself in their stories and heard myself in the voices from books, and I decided to believe in change. I still do. But I still don't know where it's going or where it needs to go.

Somedays, I think I know better than other days, but it seems I need to be content that I really don't know. So I seek serenity, pursue honesty, and accept what change brings while praying for the wisdom to apply it correctly in my life.




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