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June 14 • Sleight of Hand?

Day 340

Is this me? Is that random verbally manic part of my personality the real John, or just another mask?

I've not thought about the energy I bring to a group conversation as being a diversion. I'm always surprised when that part of me is in play — when I recognize that it is — because my preference is nearly always to be invisibly silent. Yet my switch often gets flipped, and suddenly I am entertaining with one-liners, asking questions to get others to ask me questions about nothing, or I'm leading the rant against the issue of the day.

I've always thought that this was just one of those skills I learned over the years to help me hide or overcome my introversion. Is recovery suggesting to me that my gabbiness could be part of my isolation, a transactional sleight-of-hand to avoid being truly seen, or even exposed?

I am not ready to make a final judgment on that possibility, but I am listening and observing. I am trying.




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