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March 06 • Close to the Edge

Day 240

It sounds so melodramatic to say, but my memories of wishing God would take me home in some way that would keep my secrets from coming out after I was gone, are still very vivid. I've prayed that prayer.

I've thought more about disappearing off the grid than I have pulling a trigger, but both ideas have accompanied me for many months. At one point, I was content to do one or the other once I found a way to secure my dirty deeds. It was my counselor that convinced me that it would all come out anyway, and everyone would have to deal with the loss, the trauma, and the shame, AND I wouldn't be there to defend or clarify or help with healing.

It was a powerful moment of realizing that I wasn't getting out of this without significantly more pain than I had already endured. And I was going to get to witness the pain I would be causing.

When I've shared this thinking with my wife, she's been absolutely clear that even if she never found out about the behavior, the pain of being without me would have been much worse than what she's going through now. I'm not sure that's true, but she believes it, and I'm fortunate to have someone in my life that believes more than I do that me being alive is the better alternative.




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