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Mar 13 • Enneagramatically Speaking

Day 613

The topic at my 12 Step meeting this morning was 'fear.' The comments were all over the board, not the least of which were related to current events. The worldwide reaction to the Corona Virus pandemic, the loss of value in our 401Ks, and even the lack of March Madness were events frequently mentioned as non-sexual triggers with the power to push addicts toward acting out. As one guy pointed out, it's all about powerlessness. When we fear having no power or control, we migrate toward those things that have the illusion of control; for us, that's usually unhealthy sexual activity. At least now we know that giving in to that will not provide the relief we once assumed, as was evidenced by our repeated violations, and now is demonstrated by our continued involvement in 12 Step programs and meetings.

Still, the fears are real; the fear of world events and the fear of where that fear could take us.

With reluctance, I'll admit that I'm more worried about not fearing these things than I am in fear of these things, despite being unemployed and having health issues in my family. As I said this morning, I seem to have this need to worry about something, so I might as well be worried about not being worried about these fears. Is this a season of different denials, or am I genuinely experiencing #10 of The Promises that, "...Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us..."?

I do not feel I am experiencing any sort of a new level of nirvana; it's more like a genuine peace that passes understanding. After today's meeting, one of the fellows told me it has something to do with me being a #4 on the Enneagram. He said that I'm demonstrating equanimity, whatever that means.

Good. I have a new label to describe my behaviors. Now that scares me :-)



I'm a lot of things to a lot of things.

Not always a winner a loser I ain't

I'm a full time sinner, part time saint

And I ain't afraid of fear

If it makes me a better man

–Montgomery Gentry, “God Knows Who I Am"



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