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March 16 • High as a Lie

Day 250

It's hard for me to explain or even understand very much about the so-called 'feeling high' of acting out. Even in the midst of those 'high' times, I was still very much aware of the darkness that lingered just outside that circle of safety illusioned by the very temporary exhilaration.

I do not remember ever believing that anything I had found up to any given point could last more than a moment. So either I was content with compiling as many moments as possible, or I thought the next moment would be different, would be the answer and the solution and the magic potion. I firmly believe it was the later.

I felt every affair would be the one that justified me; that every massage table would enliven my soul as it would my body; that every flirtation would uncover a connection unlike any connection ever made. My ability and willingness to dance with others in a painful and pathetic circus of mutual abuse and confusion breaks my heart.

My ability and willingness to step outside of the life I wanted, and to put it all at risk for a fantasy life that never existed, shakes me to my core.




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