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March 17 • Thank God for Hope

Day 251

I've heard enough people talk about being thankful that they are an addict to believe that they believe it, but it still sounds absurd to me. The only good that has come to me out of recovery so far is that I'm still here. I don't mean that I'm back in the life that I want to restore, I mean I'm just still here. Period. And there are still days when that doesn't even seem to be such a benefit.

I am grateful for another chance, but the pain I've inflicted, the work I've put at risk, the trust and love that I've lost...it's just not yet in balance on any +/- ratio that I can conjure. Both my counselor and my wife tell me that this is the selfish me — the self-centered addict that doesn't yet see the good that has come from recovery.

Most of what I can see is the HOPE of good to come, and that is significant; it is enough for now. Even when the hope meter is low, I still tell myself that I want full recovery and then some. I want to believe I will keep working the program and the problem regardless of the pain suffered and the pain inflicted, but it is a delicate dance on the edge of a stained razor blade.

This is my 251st day sober from sexually acting-out, and I am well-aware of my addict friend waiting in the shadows and randomly still speaking to me. His is now a more quiet voice, and he is not having a lot of influence on my daily choices and behaviors. So, maybe that's it for now. Perhaps the better decisions and thoughts are enough for now.

Maybe I'm further down the road toward gratefulness than I think. But ultimately, I don't want to measure myself against the acting-out addict; I need to hope for a man and a mind that is better than ever. Only then does my heart hope for the day when I can begin to understand what it might be like to be thankful that this has happened.




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