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March 20 • Telelies

Day 620

I honestly don't know what I would be doing or where I would be doing it if it was not for 12 Step meetings and my fellow recovering sex addicts. This morning's session was a testimony to how others in the program share that sentiment.

Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, this morning's meeting was an online experience. The other group that I attend regularly had it's first virtual meeting earlier this week. Both sessions were well attended, and today's meeting had most of the folks on video, which is quite a stretch for people not used to the technology. Our topic was on the importance of the meetings, and there was no shortage of testimonies to the value of being together, whether it's via online video, audio, or in person. It was a good meeting.

What happened after the meeting was less satisfying.

A couple of hours after the love fest, I was talking to a friend that was one of those who participated. During our 25-minute check-in, I was again confronted with the ugliness of my dishonesty. The pain it caused, the darkness it invoked, and the confusion it fed came flowing back to me as if I'd just been caught in another lie. I haven't been. That doesn't mean I haven't lied recently; it just means I haven't been caught, or at least have not been confronted.

I appease myself by saying my lies were just little ones without consequence, but I know from my past that the little ones have a way of becoming the big ones, even when the connected dots between the two seem unrelated.

Lying is lying. Every problem I have caused since I've been in recovery has been the result of my lying to avoid conflict or to protect someone or any number of other reasons that I used to rationalize doing that which I despise.

Even though my sobriety and behavior have been at least acceptable for months, my unnecessary lies put everything in danger, and I know that. So what am I going to do about it?

I'm going to acknowledge it to a fellow addict, probably call my sponsor, and determine what kind of amends I need to do if any. Then I'll likely tell myself I'll not lie again.

Will I be honest enough to tell myself the truth, or will I accept the fact that I just lied to me again?




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